Ugology: Your Friendly Local DEATH CULT This page represents the Eureka, CA branch of Ugology. It was designed by The Archpope and Brahman. Please send your questions and comments to archpope@ugology.org.

Attention: The Ugology Forum Is Now Open! Lookie Lookie!

How many times have you tried to join a new religion only to be turned away at the church doors simply because you weren't tall enough or smart enough or a good enough singer? How many times have you been excommunicated from your church just because you maybe got a little drunk and maybe killed more than a few squirrels? Plenty of times, you say? Well, it's time for a change. It's time to start thinking about the religion of the future: UGOLOGY!

Ugology is not like all the others. You never have to change to suit Ugology, Ugology will change to suit you! Ugology was rated by American Religions And Cults Magazine as their #1 religion of ALL TIME!(1) Why? Because Ugology is flexible to your needs. Tired of dragging your sorry carcass out of bed after a long Saturday night bender to attend some stuffy religious ceremony celebrating a set of rituals you can't begin to understand? Ugology will build its schedule around your terms.

How can Ugology afford to be so flexible? We operate on the assumption that you're a very important, busy, and beautiful human being. We know that your faith should not impose on your life and get in the way of all the important, noble, commendable things that you do. Ugology was designed from the very beginning to have a schedule that is easy to follow and non-intrusive. This is all you have to do:

a. Visit the website, www.ugology.org, at least once a month.
b. Invoke the name of Jean Phillipe Ugologisto at least twice a day… even in casual conversation!
c. Respect other Ugologists. (2)

Sounds easy, doesn't it? Just wait until we tell you how to get into heaven! All you have to do to get into heaven is buy a ticket. That's right--- we sell tickets to heaven! For $50 American money(3), you can have your own personal ticket that guarantees your admittance to heaven. Feeling guilty? Why tell your long, hilarious, embarrassing story to a priest in a stuffy booth? $50 will wipe your sins away for good.

1. Facts and figures may be made up out of nowhere.
2. Ugologentiles do not have to be respected.
3. Non-consecutive unmarked bills only.

By now you're surely thinking this is too good to be true. There must be a catch, you say. Well, there is, but it's a delightful and easy catch. The tickets to heaven are what could be considered "general admittance" tickets. You get in, but you're not guaranteed a good seat! The way a Ugologist advances himself is as such: you must do deeds that benefit the church and report them to your local pontiff. That's all! Whenever you report a good deed to the Pontiff or Branch Pontiff, he will decide whether these deeds are worthy of reward. If so, he will give you an appropriate number of Ugology Points.

Ugology points are the yardstick by which a Ugologist is measured. One hundred Ugology points acquired in your lifetime will give you Silver Heaven status- you'll get personal communications once a month with the spirit of Jean Phillipe Ugologisto! Five hundred points in a lifetime will get you Gold Heaven Status- The monthly Ugologisto meetings are included, plus you get to share a house with all your deceased pets! Two thousand points will get you the coveted Platinum Status- Meetings with Ugologisto, a house with your pets, and a swimming pool!

Still not convinced? You're obviously hardheaded and belligerent, two qualities that Ugology greatly admires! Keep on reading, there are more great benefits to be had!

Scared of hell and sin and all that mumbo-jumbo? Well, breathe a sigh of sweet, sweet relief, because Ugology doesn't believe in them! If you don't buy your ticket to heaven, you won't go to hell. You'll just be reincarnated as someone exactly like you! This process will repeat until you buy your ticket--- take as long as you need! Have you lived a life of sin? Have you stolen a few dollars, had a few extramarital affairs, or maybe pushed Daddy into the wood-chipper on that fateful spring day? Have no fear; Ugology forgives all this and much, much more… without all the groveling! If you commit a major atrocity, the worst that can happen is that you'll lose a few Ugology points. Just be a good Ugologist, and you can win them back in no time! Use this handy chart to compare Ugology with the leading religions:

As you can see, Ugology is lenient without being totally permissive. We believe your life is yours to sort out, and that your faith shouldn't interfere. Ugology gives its member the right to live as saintly do-gooders, greasy ne'er-do-wells who sneak into strangers' houses and mess with the settings on their toasters, or anything in between.

What's that you say? You STILL haven't converted? Still worried about your old faith? Good news! Ugology is fully backward compatible with existing religions! You can be a Ugologist and enjoy all our great benefits without officially renouncing your old God. Attend as many other churches as you want, we don't mind. Unlike the stuffier faiths, we don't believe that we're necessarily the one true religion. While we haven't quite worked it out with all the other religions yet, we're off to a great start; the Pope has officially blessed Ugology with his divine approval!(4)

All this is fine, but what do Ugologists themselves believe? Ugology has its own set of moral guidelines that direct our behavior. Unlike most leading religions, we don't tell you what you can't do; we give you a Ugologist bill of rights! Here is a sample of our beliefs:

1. You are free to say and think whatever you want, as long as you don't threaten the President, because that reflects badly on us.
2. Ugology will never ask you to commit ritual suicide- ever!
3. Nobody has the right to touch you in your bathing suit area.
4. For legal reasons, Ugology owns all your possessions.
5. Respect those with more Ugology points than you; in turn, you will be respected by those people with less points than you.

These are easy to follow. In fact, three out of five of these values are ones that you, as a red-blooded American, already have instilled deep in your robust, bulging veins.

Along with the aforementioned healthy value system, Ugology comes with its own unique volumes of wisdom. Ugologists, like you, are some of the wittiest, most hilarious, and most breathtakingly gorgeous people ever to roam the earth! Here is a sample of some Ugologist wisdom, taken straight off the Ugology wisdom webpage:

Brahman: I wish I was rich so I didn't have to dress myself
Archpope: You don't have to be rich to be naked.

Brahman: I, sir, am an artist. By that I mean I do stuff and don't get money for it.
Pontiff: I guess I'm an artist too.
Pontiff: So are all those hobos down by the trainyard.
Brahman: Now you got it.

Poignant, poetic, and strikingly beautiful. These are some of the words and short phrases that have been used to describe Ugology's time-honored wisdom. I believe they were also used to describe Schindler's List, which, from what I hear, was a really good movie. So there you have it.

As you can clearly see, Ugology is a revolutionary and different religion. Grand High Pontiff Basil Spalding Cunningham founded Ugology in rural Poughkeepsie, NY in 1998. He based his wonderful new religion on the teachings of the famed French philosopher Jean Phillipe Ugologisto. Since then, we have acquired over 36 million members and a 450-acre headquarters in the Yukon(5), and according to our most recent polls, Ugologists are happier than ever!(6)
So why are you still deliberating? Rush off immediately to your local Ugologist recruiting office and sign up today! Free keychains for the first fifty people to sign away their eternal souls!(7)

4. Okay, fine, the pope didn't bless Ugology. Stop reading the footnotes.
5. See footnote #1.
6. Survey conducted by the Ugology Mind Control Corps, an impartial nonprofit organization.
7. No free keychains will be given away after 10/24/73