Jean-Phillipe Ugologisto was the founder of the Ugologist philosophy. He was born in 1802 in Paris, France, to a family consisting of an abusive father, a drunken mother,and  three unhygienic sisters. But he had one brother, Little Blind Danny, the poor blind little blind boy, who changed his life.

J.P. was constantly inspired by his little brother's bravery. Despite being blind, Little Blind Danny the poor blind little blind boy was able to play tether-ball like a pro- he honed his sense of hearing to an amazing sharpness so he could pick out where the ball was no matter how fast it went. After winning the French national tether-ball championship and then the international tether-ball championship, Little Blind Danny the poor blind little blind boy decided to retire at age 13.

Then tragedy struck- when Little Blind Danny the poor blind little blind boy was crossing the street one cold winter morn to get some cigarettes for his voracious French family, his earmuffs prevented him from hearing an oncoming carriage, which proceeded to smack about two-thirds of the life out of him. Blind Danny the poor blind little blind boy was rushed to the hospital, where an incompetent doctor scalpeled the last third of life out of the poor lad.

Jean-Phillipe was grief-stricken. His only decent relative had been killed by a wayward horse. J.P. moved to the mountains (history is not clear on which mountains) at age 17 and studied with a medium-sized group of group unnamed monks. He learned their mediocre spiritual ways fast, and soon moved on to London. Despite the unfriendliness displayed to him by the English, he was able to learn enough English to get by. By the time he was 26, his French accent was nearly gone.

J.P's life took a drastic turn in 1832, when he met who would be his intellectual partner for the rest of his life- the American poet E. Manwester. He met Manwester at a meeting of the London Philosophy Club (trivia fact: this organization later became known as the YMCA) where the members were discussing the plausibility of a total lack of government. Manwester and Ugologisto were in agreement with each other on the principle that humanity will always form into sects and clubs, while the other members disagreed, and said that they themselves could not be coerced into doing so. After many days of deliberation, Manwester and Ugologisto decided that this was not entirely true, because each of them were members of the London Philosophy Club. The other members were so embarrassed at this oversight that twelve out of fifteen of them attempted suicide that night.

Ugologisto and Manwester were giddy at their intellectual victory. When word got around of their amazing thinking powers, they were both invited to study at the prestigious Greenscat Academy of Academics. They blazed through all of the school's courses in under 5 years, a record feat. Ugologisto and Menwester became professors there shortly after this. Manwester taught psychology, and Ugologisto taught philosophy.

Despite both of them being outsiders, Manwester and Ugologisto were both embraced by society. Manwester was famed for his sharp American wit, and Ugologisto's French charm was irresistable to the ladies. The two men had a wild old time, until the government tore them apart. Manwester finished the book he was working on, "The Queen Can [the rest of the title was lost in history, unfortunately]," And he used the resources of the school to have it published. The book was banned the very second the first person besides Ugologisto and Manwester read even one word. Manwester was forced to return to America.

Manwester and Ugologisto still wrote to each other regularly, but Ugologisto became more and more erratic and reclusive. He quit his job at the Greenscat Academy, and moved into a large house in the country. This period in his life can be considered as the beginning of Ugology- he wrote endless pages of philosphical text, most of which made no sense. He was rumored to have mailed three manuscripts over three thousand pages each to Manwester within one month.

Manwester, back in America, honed his writing skills and wrote some of the most famous prose of the 19th century. His books include "Herein, Thereout," "Eastern Ale vs. Cured Beef," and "My Dear Ugologisto," the latter of which reflects upon his friendship with the legendary intellectual icon.

Ugologisto died of unknown causes in winter of 1864, having not been heard from in over three years. Manwester, after so long forbidden, was allowed to go back to England to claim Ugologisto's belongings. He sorted through over 82,000 handwritten pages of hard-to-follow philosophy, and collected it in three volumes: "Ugologisto's Wisdom, edited by E. Manwester vol 1-3." Manwester took these volumes home to rural New York, where he died within months.

These volumes were discovered over 130 years later by Basil Spalding Cunningham, who bought a desk at an antique store. When he opened the desk, lo and behold, there were all three volumes of Ugologisto's literature and some unpublished works by Manwester. Cunningham immediately contacted an intellectual associate of his in California to tell him of the discovery. The two young men decided to form a church around these sacred teachings.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

-Archpope Dave Thorpe

Drag your sorry ass home.