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Futureman was a Ugologist, before it was illegal. |
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INTRODUCTION TO FUTURE MAN
Future Man: The Future is partly cloudy.
Archpope: I prefer to think of it as partly sunny.
Archpope: No, actually I don't, people like that are dorky.
Future Man: No kidding. Here in The Future, we have camps set up for those kind of
people.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS HIS WORLD
Future Man: It's an alternate Future. Dukakis won.
Archpope: No wonder things are looking so bright.
Future Man: I was thinking the other day. I want to make postcards that have
pictures of all the famous death camps and say "Wish You Were Here." You'd send
them to people you hate.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS THAT TIME CIRCLES SUCK
Future Man: So, what's new for you, Man From The Past?
Archpope: Nothing that's not old for you.
Future Man: Careful. You don't want to start a time circle.
Future Man: Those things suck.
FUTURE MAN DISCUSSES JJ THE COWBOY
Archpope: JJ the Cowboy just came to my house.
Archpope: He gave me mail.
Future Man: Really? He's got his own series here in The Future.
Future Man: Pee Wee's been religated to a deli.
Archpope: JJ does? I was pretty sure the cops would bust his meth lab and send him
to Sing Sing.
Future Man: Oh, that's hip here. Real hip.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS FASHIONS OF THE FUTURE
Archpope: What do people wear in the future?
Future Man: In the grim Dukakisan Future, we're all forced to wear T Shirts.
Archpope: Oy!
Future Man: The long ones with kittens on them.
Archpope: Cool.
Future Man: I myself have popularized the mesh tank top, favored by the best and
brightest rap/metal fusion stars of your time.
Archpope: Bless their tiny brains.
Archpope: They're like humans, but with smaller heads and more hair.
Future Man: We keep them as pets here.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS MOVIES OF THE FUTURE
Future Man: The Future doesn't have much to offer by way of health care, though. A
pack of feral dogs chewed off my uncle's gangrenous leg the other day. It's worse than
Canada.
Future Man: But at least I've already seen Mission Impossible 2.
Archpope: Oh, how will it be?
Future Man: A bit of a letdown, but actually pretty good. Dinosaur is horrible,
though. Makes me glad my parents ate the rest of my siblings, so they don't have to sit
through it.
Archpope: Is that the custom of the future?
Future Man: Horrible Disney movies? Yes.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS MUSIC OF THE FUTURE (AND GIANT GRASSHOPPERS)
Future Man: We only listen to Prince and the New Power Generation and French
singing sensation Jordy.
Archpope: Jordy! He's all grown up now?
Future Man: We stunted his growth, like a gymnist's. He's forever 3.
Future Man: That was the first bill passed by the Green Party congress.
Archpope: It IS a perfect future!
Future Man: Except for the giant grasshoppers, yes.
Archpope: Giant grasshoppers. Damn.
Future Man: They're really not so bad as long as you stay in your cave.
Archpope: That's good.
Future Man: We just feed them an Arquette every vernal equinox and they stay away.
FUTURE MAN SEEKS GUIDANCE
Future Man: I was thinking...do I want to grow a beard?
Archpope: No, you'd look like a goddam chia pet!
Future Man: Not the mustache part. Just the beard.
Archpope: No, you'd look like that Limp Bizkit dude.
Future Man: Fair enough.
Archpope: Except with a beard.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS THE FUTURE OF BEN STILLER
Future Man: Uh oh. Ben Stiller was just claimed as another victim in the ongoing
North Dakota/ South Dakota rap wars.
Future Man: What a shame.
Archpope: Hey, now that he's old (He's dead, that's about as old as you get) does
he look like Jerry Stiller?
Future Man: Nah, the radiation generated by Napster left him with facial hair like
a werewolf. He looked like one of those Mexican circus kids.
Archpope: Cool!
FUTURE MAN DISCUSSES TIMELESS STUPIDITY
Future Man: You know what I hate?
Archpope: What?
Future Man: People who sing along with songs they're hearing for the first time.
They don't know the song, and yet they attempt to sing along! It's madness!
Archpope: Yeah, me too!
Archpope: Unless it's done for comedic purposes.
Future Man: Like, there's a hook in the refrain, and they'll pick it up and start
singing, but at the end it'll change slightly and they'll still sing the regular hook, so
they sing the wrong words BUT THEY KEEP GOING.
Future Man: People are dumb.
Archpope: Even future people? Wow.
Future Man: Future people are dumb in different ways. Like, instead of setting
their lasers on "Evicerate" they'll just leave them on "Singe." And
then the organ theives get away.
Future Man: Or, they'll make a perfect genetic clone of Gandhi, but they'll forget
to give him a tongue.
Archpope: Tell me about it. Sheesh.
Future Man: It just makes me wish that when Spike Lee went crazy and killed all
those people, he'd hit the suburbs too.
FUTURE MAN REVEALS STEVE MARTIN'S PLANS (PLUS BRAIN ERASURE)
Archpope: How about Steve Martin? What's he been up to?
Future Man: Not much. He's got a book coming out this summer.
Future Man: Steve Martin's always a good guy.
Future Man: It's a novel.
Archpope: About what?
Future Man: Thanks to the manditory mind-erasures we've got to go through every six
months, i can't remember what it's about.
Archpope: Damn.
FUTURE MAN AND PRESENT MAN FIND A COMMON THREAD
Future Man: In The Future, Everyone Hates Raymond.
Archpope: Isn't that pretty much how it is now?
Go back to the future. |
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